I can’t remember. I can’t remember the last time we said “I love you” to each other.
Was it the time we went out for our anniversary date? You were all dressed up and neat while I tried to look half as good in my blue jeans and grey sweatshirt. Red velvet, your favored and so much like you. Elegant and dignified, sweet to taste and soft on the buds.
Was it the time we played with fire crackers on your terrace? The cold winter breeze had your nose as red as Rudolph’s but you stayed with me, outside. I could see your face through the sparks, it was like looking at life itself; happy.
Was it the time we made a little camp fire on the porch? You always know how to do things safe and decently. I am a fire, a mess if left on its own. You know how to keep the fire going without it causing any harm or dying. The reflection of fire in your eyes were as fierce as your soul.
Was it the time you drove me to the airport? Our favorite song playing, me wishing I didn’t have to go. I like calling shotgun with you, I get to look at you all I want, kiss and hold you without an ounce fear or doubt in my heart. You make me feel safe.
Was it the time I kissed you farewell at the gate? You held my hand like it was the last time, like there would be no more of it. My chest was welling up, eyes weak and heart filled with dread of what the distance would lead to. I get on my tip toes and lay my lips on yours, all doubts, fears go away. It always feels right with you.
Was it the time I was in my room, hair wet, head on the pillow when you told me you found a place to intern? I remember the voice, it echoes in my ears till date. It was the first time I got scared, because of you.
Was it the time I ran into you at the cafe we used to go to? I was heading towards our table and so were you, all dressed in black. Man! You make me feel alive. I smiled and left because you were two, there was no chair for third.
Was it the time you called me up at four in the morning and called me out? I was in my brown satin night-gown and you in your suede boots and overcoat. You told me you felt deeply for me, that you never stopped. My husband came out to see if everything was okay. Going back in, I couldn’t turn back. It was you and I couldn’t bring myself to look at what I was walking away from.
Was it the time you lay in the hospital bed drenched in blood p, your own and hers? I held your hand and willed myself to think. You couldn’t let go, I couldn’t. Not now, not just yet. I wonder if we will ever be able to tell each other how we feel.
Was it the time you walked out the doors with crutches under your armpit and casts over your legs? I could see the outline of your body and hers too. You didn’t look back. The walls seemed to mock me for standing there hours after you were gone.
Was it the time I could not see who was around? my vision blurred and hearing almost non-existent. All I could see was the bright light at the door and your voice calling my name. I didn’t care for the voices that mumbled, begging me to come. You called me and I came, took your hand and together we walked. Walked out into the white and forgotten.
I can’t remember the last time we said “I love you” to each other. I can’t remember the last time but this I will. I love you, for all times to come; good or bad. I love you.