3-3-17

It is funny where I am in my life at the moment, I never even fathomed things would turn out this way but I guess no one ever does.

So many things have gone wrong and so many things done wrong, so much so that it makes me wonder if I am even capable of doing anything right. Every step I take, every single move I make or even think of leads to something foul that ends up affecting me drastically and not in a good way.

I never asked for most of the things that happened to me, I did not know people would turn up the way they did. I really didn’t. I have lost so much and gained almost nothing, given so much and gotten nothing. It is not a fair trade, forget Karma it defies even the basic Newtonian principle of action and reaction. People tell me patience is the key, I just hope I do not run out before my patience does.

They tell me I have an issue with growing up, that I am scared of doing so. Yes, I am scared of growing up because the past few of it that I did ruined my life completely. It is nothing but pain in the ass and deteriorating will to fight back.

I do miss the days when I had everything sorted out, when I would love and was loved back, when I had this incredible zest for life…when things were better. If I could, I would give anything to go back.

I cannot tell you how many times I have wished there was no tomorrow when I went to bed, the number of escapes I planned in my head. The mornings I got up and felt disappointed. Maybe I do have an issue or maybe I am just tired of things being the way they are.

I love my family, people I involve with. I do, don’t get me wrong, they love me too, especially my sisters. They adore me and make me feel like they couldn’t have asked for a better sister, like I am the only one. But sometimes, love is not enough. Not enough to help you through, not enough to make things okay.

We end up expecting things from people who make promises, from people we trust but end up breaking your hearts. I hate how the world now correlates trust with heart breaks, the same way loyalty now is a rare treasure.

Maybe things will be sorted and will turn out for the better. Maybe greater, better things are waiting. I just hate how every good thing I can think of starts with a “maybe”.

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