Failure

Every morning I wake up and the first emotion I run through is not the grogginess the night’s sleep brings upon me, it is a wave of disappointment with regret and I am not sure why. Today was no different. Somehow, I do not like the fact that I have to see another day.

The day never goes smoothly for me. Everything around me is so dull. Don’t get me wrong. I love the sky glazed with streaks of morning sunshine, the bustle of morning traffic, the flowers fallen onto the pavement. I love the smell of morning air after a heavy rain the previous night, the smiles on faces, the bags under their eyes. I just don’t find any of it intriguing anymore. Sure, it is lovely. It soothes my eyes and makes me smile a time or two but there is nothing more.

As I walk to and from the places I have to be, I am so indulged in conversation with the voices in my head. The voices followed by realisations. As if it isn’t bad enough that I cry myself to sleep most nights for reasons I don’t understand, that every step I take feels like I am lifting the entire globe up with me. I fell like I am falling into a thick batter, sinking slowly but falling nevertheless and I let myself…that is the only way it will be quiet.

My mother told me she loved me and appreciated me for who I am, for who I am and for who I have become. How do I tell her that person is long gone?

How do I tell her I lost her daughter?

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