It started out as a choice and inevitably became a choice of life. Nothing quite matched with my taste, that of my mind. Even in a room full of people, laughter spread about, I felt secluded. As if in a bubble, one build just to segregate me from the rest.
I had friends, I had tonnes of them. Ones I would go out with, ones I would cry with, ones I would have loved to spend the rest of my lives with and ones just for a day or two. I used to love every one of them but looking back now, I see how ignorant I was.
The day I had the realization, I don’t know still if it was a blessing or a curse, for things were never the same again.
I saw friends, more of family than friends be nice to each other, words of support and care but the moment something went out of track, or someone turned their back, the whiplash of insults and negative remarks began. I have listened, listened intently to all the complains they had about one another, about how much they despised one another and every moment of it, I was stupefied. More than that, what marveled me was the way they hugged and kissed each other when they met. So much pretense, it was baffling.
Relationships where one is with the other just because they do not want to break someone’s heart, the I love you”s all of it said out like it was the easiest thing in the world. (How do people do it? I have said it to two guys my entire life and 99% of it was for one.) Where a man declares his love for a woman while he texts someone else while she is away. Where a woman demands full attention from her man but cannot give hers to him. Relationships existing just because they were afraid to be alone, afraid of being left out.
I cannot say for sure when but since the moment it happened, I haven’t been the same. Everyone seemingly aiming towards being an original and everyone dying a copy, thick covering of pretense hovering over their heads, is it not tiring?
A mother pretending to love her child unconditionally, pretending that it doesn’t matter she never had a career, a life of her own, one that she could cherish, being bound to household chores, pretending that raising her kids is the greatest accomplishment she could ever have. A husband, a father pretending it is perfectly okay that he never could take risks for the sole security of his family, that it doesn’t matter his once smoking-hot wife now looks like a potato.
A teacher pretending that it matters how much his kids learn, that school is more than just grades and tests. A girl pretending it is okay she cannot afford the fancy dresses because it is not who she is. A boy pretending that it doesn’t matter he his hurt because his friends make fun of it, “it is just what friends do”
The way a politician seemingly cares about how his country and people progress rather than his own personal agenda. The way people go out of their ways to make themselves explicitly content on social media. All of the little things that go unnoticed and all of the obvious big ones.
The pretense, something we cannot defy or deny.Perhaps it was not the realization of it that rendered me where I am but my inability to cope with it. It has been said for ages and never untrue, “ignorance is bliss”…maybe I just am not meant to be happy.
Solitude, I have favored over improvised enactments we call “social life” In being alone I find peace, I find pain. One without the other would make no sense.