beyond that

*This is going to be about the first thing that would pop into your head if you see a person with a cart carrying a toaster and bath tub plug.*

I envy those who have never thought about it and for all the rest who did or still do, I won’t be lying if I tell you that I totally understand you. We never know, almost all the time, as to when or how we ended up harboring thoughts like that. 

People may say we are giving up easy, label us a quitter or perhaps something more appropriate but then, those with empathy are so very few, rare even.

Once those as such begins, an avalanche follows. Soon it snow-balls into an unstoppable giant mess splattering all over our lives or being a bit precise, our life.

When one harbors thoughts as such, it may not necessarily be because a thing or two is wrong in an individual’s life. Some people who have “everything” in life do harbor thoughts like that. It comes to mind when you flash open your eyes in the morning and a wave of regret fills your chest. When you look at yourself as you wash up for the day and all the efforts feel useless, when you are having your breakfast just so that you won’t fall down and not because you want to, when you cross the road or are walking to get somewhere and almost get hit by a car but don’t. It happens in those little bathroom breaks, when you are on the seat and you are exhausted, emotionally drained, mentally tired of fighting the voices in your head that tells you it is right. 

It is when you are walking, perfect weather outside, people wave at you but all you can think about is how messed up things are in your life. How you went wrong,where and why. How what someone said the other day was right, how none of the nice things people said to you do not come to mind but all the bad ones do.

It comes at the dinner table where you eat the freshly cooked food that feels stale in your mouth, alone or with people but no one seems to even notice you. It is when you walk to your bed and call it a night, when lights are out and you are staring at the ceiling. Staring at the ceiling knowing that the wake next day will be a more painful one and would be at peace if it didn’t happen.

It is when you see a rope or a wire and your neck tightens knowing  how much it craves its tightness around it. It is when you walk over a bridge or are looking out the balcony, knowing all it would take is a jump and few moments of pain. It is when you see something sharp and your body tightens knowing all it would take is a plunge to the right place and that would be it. It is when you here a “bang” somewhere, your heart stops for a while and beats again, it brings regret, remorse

When the only reason you walk and are alive is because your heart beats in the chest of so many others.It is when you are on the edge, about to free-fall as you close your eyes and you see your mother so you reflexively hold onto the smallest of ledges. 

When the weight gets too much and your shoulders cannot bear it no more and you decide to go for it, it is almost never about the amount you will bleed or the pain. It is not about how you will look after it is done or how everyone else will react, it is not about who will cry or laugh, not about the memorials that will be held or the flimsy posts on social media. Not about all the hearts that will be broken. All the clucking of the tongue or tears. It is none of it. It is all about what is beyond that momentary pain, torture. It is about the levitation of the soul knowing no more of “it”.

It is all about what is beyond.

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